Time for something completely new for me and the blog, A dip into my past and a little glimpse of some of the events that brought me to who and what I am today, For better or worse.
Thanks for checking out this new series, I know it’s unusual to see such a personal post on a sex toy blog but for as much as this blog is about reviewing sex toys it’s also about being an outlet, This blog originated as a creative outlet for me to be able to explore my sexuality and for me to develop as a person and this series is an extension of that although to a more extreme degree. What will be contained in this and future posts in this series are my personal recollections of previous events in my life, In an unfiltered and uncensored fashion, Some of these posts may be extremely sad and hard to read for some people while other posts could be about generally happy events in my life. Before the main body in each post will be a bolded and bracketed line of text containing possible triggers that may upset or otherwise make people uncomfortable so please read at your own discretion.
(Triggers: Death, Suicide)
Praeterita: The Things That Are Past And Gone
When I was fourteen years old our family had decided to move to a new town and at first it seemed like a good idea, I come from a large family and the extra space for everyone was highly welcomed but of course we would have to leave our friends behind during our move, Eventually it was decided that we were going to go through with the move and we soon found a house that met all of our needs. After getting settled in things generally seemed pretty good, It was a nice neighbourhood and we were all loving the house but slowly as the weeks went on most of my friends from my previous town started to distance themselves from me and we talked less and less and soon I was that kid in a new town who knew nobody and kept to himself. Back to school time came around and made things even worse, I still had no friends and nobody to spend time with and most of that year at school was spent being alone. Half a year passed like that before my metal shop teacher noticed that I didn’t spend time with anyone and invited me to come back to the school on a Saturday for a group class with another school and he reused to take no for answer. I arrived a little bit late and it was quickly explained to me that this was primer course in metal work for a few girls from a local private school, Since I was late there was only one person left who didn’t have a partner so we got paired up and introduced ourselves and that’s how I ended up meeting Erinn (name has been changed out of respect).
Immediately we got along very well, We spent most of that day talking and goofing off together rather than getting any actual work done, No more than a week later and we were spending as much time together as we possibly could and a stones throw after that we were dating. This was the first relationship I had ever been in and we were both from extremely conservative backgrounds, She was from a traditional Korean family where just standing next to a man who isn’t family could be considered vulgar and my parents thought that any relationships were just something that would get in the way of my studies and should be cast aside. We spent the next year completely infatuated with each other while trying to hide how often we saw each other from our families, Everything about my life seemed to improve because of her, I was more outgoing and I started to make friends, I enjoyed going to school again and was generally enjoying life. Erin eventually told her parents that we were officially going out which was a pretty rough time but overall it went better than we had expected, Her parents still didn’t like me but at least they tolerated me. Both of us grew up in environments that taught us that sex and sexuality was something to either cast aside or be ashamed of and because of this it wasn’t really a part of our relationship, We made out and explored each other a little bit but both of us were always too sexually repressed to venture further than that. Eventually the lack of a more sexual component in our relationship became a common point of argument and stress.
Erin was always more outgoing and bold than I was and one day when we were at her house after a fairly heavy evening of making out we got into a rather heated argument about sex, She wanted to explore and advance sexually but I was far to timid and unsure to agree wholeheartedly and the night ended up with both of us getting extremely upset at each other and yelling at one another and saying things out of anger that shouldn’t have been said to anyone, Let alone someone you cared about. The rest of my night was spent thinking about that conversation and trying to understand where she was coming from and feeling extremely guilty over the things I had said, After a lot of thinking and barely getting any sleep that night I remember thinking to myself “Whatever happens it will be up to the both of us, If we both want to have sex so be it”. Despite getting almost no sleep I woke up early that day and walked to the other side of town to Erinn’s house to apologize and finish our conversation from the previous night, Her parents answered the door and let me know that she hadn’t woken up yet but they were making breakfast if I wanted to stay and eat. Even though it’s been almost 10 years I still remember everything that happened next so well, I went upstairs and slowly opened the door to her room as not to wake her up and I tiptoed over to the bed before sitting down really abruptly to try to wake her up but she didn’t move at all, I shook her shoulder a little bit and said “Hey, It’s almost 10am get up” but soon as I started to shake her something didn’t feel right. I shook her again before getting up and moving around to check her face I realized what I think I knew from the first time I shook her, She was dead. I didn’t freak out, I didn’t scream I didn’t do anything, I simply had no idea how to react, I have no idea how long I stood there but eventually I made my way downstairs and managed to say something to her parents because her father ran upstairs and her mom just kinda stood there. I sat in a chair by the stairs and stared at the ground, When I think about that day all I can remember is the smell of breakfast being burned on the stove and Erinn’s mother sobbing in the kitchen. After what I assumed to be several minutes to an hour local police and paramedics showed up but honestly I don’t remember much about what they did or what they were asking me other than I wasn’t able to verbalize anything helpful.
I found out later that day she had taken almost an entire bottle of medication for her fathers heart condition, The amount she had ingested ruled out accident – It was suicide. Before I even had a chance to fully process things I was being yelled at by her parents, They blamed me for her death, I realize now that they probably didn’t truly blame me and were looking for anything to lash out at but I was immediately rushed out of the house. Following everything that had happened I made probably one of the worst decisions in my life, I didn’t tell anyone what I was going through, I didn’t cry or mourn I just pushed everything out of the way because I wasn’t able to deal with what happened. Everyone who knew her all said the same thing “She didn’t show any signs of depression” or “She was always so happy” “I can’t believe she would do that”, I certainly didn’t see any signs, And I beat myself up about it for not seeing them as well. Her parents told me I wasn’t welcome at the funeral so the one place where I would have felt comfortable grieving if I was able to was forbidden to me. For lack of a better way of putting it I became a zombie after that and kept everything I felt from everyone and refused to show emotions, And honestly after while I became incapable of processing almost everything other than anger, I’m still trying to right the damage caused by my poor decisions to this day but I was emotionally shut off for so long it will take me a long time truly get better – If that’s even possible.
It’s taken me a long time to be able to realize that what happened wasn’t my fault, But I kept that guilt and anger with me for so long and never shared what I was feeling with anyone that I eventually lost my ability to communicate about emotional matters all together. I emotionally stunted myself so badly it would affect nearly every aspect of my life as I got older and it’s taken a great deal of work to get to a point where I can even write about this, let alone publish it on a blog for other people to read. I hope that when you read this you can take something away from it to use in bettering yourself, Starting this series is a huge step forwards for my own personal growth and if you have stuck around this far thank you for taking the time to read through everything.
– Perineum Plunders