Welcome to the third week of Mental Health Mondays!
Hello everyone and welcome to Mental Health Monday! This is a weekly installment that will hopefully catch on with other websites and bloggers, whether or not that happens is another story. You can read more over at Mental Health Mondays.
Yet another really difficult week for me, But that’s why I started this series! To give me and others creative outlet for dealing with mental health issues.
I went to a concert this week, It’s a concert that me and my best friend have been looking forward to for months, Years if you count fandom of the band and hoping they do a world tour. They finally played where I live and they put on an amazing show, But it was really hard for me to enjoy the concert due to my anxiety and self-worth issues. Ever since I shut down emotionally after Perineum’s Praeterita: Part I I’ve had a really hard time being an expressive person, It’s not that I don’t feel emotions, quite the opposite in fact it’s just that I don’t express them on my face or with body language as easily as most people. My lack of externally showing emotions coupled with my inability to let go and have fun in public meant that instead of standing up with my best friend and banging my head with her and moving around to the music, I just sat there and watched.
A few times she looked back to me and gestured for me to get up with her and I was screaming at myself to just do it and have fun but I couldn’t, At that point I’d have given anything just to be able to let go of all the crap in my head telling me that I can’t do it and just have fun, But I couldn’t. Not only did I not enjoy myself as much as I should have, But I hampered my friends enjoyment of the show by not participating with her and making her worry about me and my health immediately afterwards. All of this because I can’t bring myself to let go, And not care about what I look like while having fun. Something that seems so simple is so far from being obtainable for me. I was originally going to type “I hate my brain sometimes” but I realized that it’s not my brain that I hate, Today it’s me as a person.