Category: Mental Health Mondays (page 1 of 2)

Mental Health Monday: Week 13

MHM is back! Apologies for the absence, Let the ranting begin!

Hello  everyone and welcome to  Mental Health Monday! This is a weekly installment that I hope catches on and becomes a series that others feel comfortable enough to participate. And hopefully, bring more attention to dealing with mental health. If you’re curious and would like to participate head over to Mental Health Mondays guideline page.

Antibiosis | an·ti·bi·o·sis : Antagonistic association between organisms to the detriment of one of them or between one organism and a metabolic product of another.

This word has been on my mind a lot lately because I think it aptly describes how I view my anxiety and depression. I suspect some of you understand what I’m getting at but others are staring at their screens wondering what I’m talking about. The words been on my mind for a while but what really sparked the inspiration for this week’s MHM was a tweet from Girly_Juice

 

Seeing this tweet made me realise that viewing my anxiety and depression in an adversarial manner, Or another person like Girly_Juice puts it isn’t just some random personal quirk of mine. Separating out my anxiety and other issues and giving them some sort of identity, be that a personality or simply an adversary helps to give me some form of control over those actions.

Then I can reject those actions, “Goddammit! I wanted to say yes to that invitation!”. Some may view this as an unhealthy internal relationship to have but I disagree, When this happens it gives me a small goal or work towards, “Next time I’m going to accept an invitation!” or “Next time I’ll tell the server this isn’t what I ordered”. Small goals have literally kept me alive, And while in the long run, it might not be an entirely healthy thing to be doing, I’ll deal with that then…With small goals.

My anxiety and I operate in an antibiotic relationship, We are a constant hindrance to one another. The best I can hope for is it turns out like any classic media in which the protagonist prevails over their adversary.

Mental Health Mondays

Mental Health Monday: Week 12

Another MHM, Another personal issue. This week’s topic of choice? Body image and self-confidence! Well, More like my astounding lack of both.

Hello  everyone and welcome to  Mental Health Monday! This is a weekly installment that I hope catches on and becomes a series that others feel comfortable enough to participate. And hopefully, bring more attention to dealing with mental health. If you’re curious and would like to participate head over to Mental Health Mondays guideline page.

This week is all about body image and self-confidence!  More specifically my historical lack thereof! I’ve always had body image issues, But it wasn’t until I started venturing out into the “real world” that I realized just how bad it had gotten for me.  Up until very recently I literally had zero confidence in myself or how I looked, Unless I was tipsy or drunk and then I simply didn’t care. Not exactly a healthy state to be in for sure.  I think the critical realization for me was when a good friend of mine complimented me and I just shut down, It was like my brain just completely ceased to function because she had complimented me. The concept that someone found anything about me “good” enough to be compliment worthy had dumbfounded me and I had no clue how to respond.

After that point, I had realized how bad it really was and from then on I was more mindful of it. Sadly being more mindful didn’t mean it got any better, This was before I was getting help from a therapist and medications so being aware of it really did nothing but make me feel worse about myself because I felt like I wasn’t good enough to overcome my issues.

Many sessions with a therapist and some powerful meds later and I’m…Well, I’m making progress. A combination of professional help, amazing friends and most recently a spectacular partner have really started to help me get better. Slowly but surely I’m starting to tell myself that even though most times I may look at myself and see nothing worth noting, That isn’t everyone else’s experience, Other people perceive me very differently than myself, And they do genuinely believe that I’m worthy of praise. That used to be somewhat of a foreign concept to me. Not being able to convince myself that people weren’t lying to me was a terrible mental state.

But it’s getting better, Lately everything in my life has been getting better, and despite being exhausted from my new job, I’m actually in a mental state to enjoy it, And that’s a pretty wonderful feeling.

That’s all for this MHM, Thanks for reading everyone and remember: It’s taken millions of years to produce each and every one of you, And you’re all fucking beautiful, Regardless of what your brain, others or society says.

 

Mental Health Mondays

Mental Health Mondays: Week 10

My way of dealing with things I can’t currently process, Photography! Stop by, Check out some photos I’ve taken and enjoy this week’s Mental Health Monday!

Hello  everyone and welcome to  Mental Health Monday! This is a weekly installment that I hope catches on and becomes a series that others feel comfortable enough to participate. And hopefully, bring more attention to dealing with mental health. If you’re curious and would like to participate head over to Mental Health Mondays guideline page.

Honestly, I’m a little unsure about what to write for this week’s MHM, It’s not like I don’t have anything to write about. A lot actually happened this week that ties into my mental health but I just can’t seem to get anything out for you readers in a way that would be coherent. So I guess I will just write about one of my personal coping techniques, Photography.

While I haven’t been into photography all that long but it sure got into me! Whenever I have a bad day, Specifically when I have a day where I’m finding it hard to process things I usually try and go on a photo walk somewhere. Photography forces me to pay attention to my surroundings much more actively, looking for that interesting photo or person. Photography allows me to take a mental break and just not have to think about my life for a little while. Actually, I find I take better photos when shooting while I’m out on a mental health photo walk rather than when the mood strikes.

I really don’t have much else to add for this week’s MHM sadly so I will just leave everyone with a few images I’ve taken over the past year or two on various photo walks. I hope you enjoy.

 

 

Mental Health Mondays

Mental Health Monday: Week 9

Fire and ice, Black and White, Trump and being a human being! This week’s MHM is all about opposites!

Hello  everyone and welcome to  Mental Health Monday! This is a weekly installment that I hope catches on and becomes a series that others feel comfortable enough to participate. And hopefully, bring more attention to dealing with mental health. If you’re curious and would like to participate head over to Mental Health Mondays guideline page.

This week has been nothing but a series of extreme ups and downs, I’ve had two days of probably some of the worst depression I’ve had since I started taking my medications again, But I’ve also had a lot of really positive experiences this week too, like a really wonderful talk with my current sex partner and eating some of the best Thai food I’ve ever had.

I should feel lucky that at the end of the week I don’t feel like I’m in a worse place, But that’s just  because I’m too damned tired for anything else. Bouncing between the extremes of depressive episodes and fun social times has made me feel like I’ve been bled dry by an energy vampire. My depressive episodes are usually triggered by something rather than building up over time or just arising, This time, was no different. I had sent a text to a friend and immediately realized that in my already mildly upset state had written a really bad text. The text was basically the epitome of emotional baiting. This was enough to send me into a spiral of self-deprecation and depression for two days.

On the better half of the week, I managed to have a wonderful post-sex conversation with my current sex partner that really cemented and clearly defined our current relationship which took a lot of uncertainty out of my mind. And then afterwards we decided to go to a different Thai food place and had our taste buds thoroughly pleased, Like having food sex after our bang session. And it was amazing.

I’m far too tired to really go into the details of things this week, I have no energy to reflect and type out the details of things this week. My apologies.

 

Mental Health Mondays

Mental Health Monday: Week 8

Mental Health Mondays! Woo! Anyone else excited? Come check out this week’s MHM post; Now with more positivity!

Hello  everyone and welcome to  Mental Health Monday! This is a weekly instalment that I’m running in hopes that it catches on and becomes a series that others feel comfortable enough to participate in and bring more attention to dealing with mental health. If you’re curious and would like to participate head over to Mental Health Mondays guideline page.

Seemingly by some strange series of events I’m actually in an amazing mood today, And I’ve been in a pretty swell mood all week as well.  Things just sort of fell into place this week, I’m really enjoying my job, The annoying coworker I have has been moved to a different section so I don’t have to deal with him anymore, And I found out that I’m actually getting paid more than I was initially told because of how well I’m doing.

Through my working career (If you can call it that) I’ve only ever worked retail or manual labour jobs, While currently this job is no different I genuinely enjoy what I’m doing and with the amount of money, I’m making this may be the first time in my life that I’m not living paycheque to paycheque. Anyone else who’s ever worked their butts off and been barely scraping by will know just how big of a relief the thought of being able to get ahead financially is. One of the main things that will trigger my anxiety is when I have unexpected costs pop up or just barely squeak by for bills, And it’s just and awful dreadful feeling to loom over you all the time. The possibility of me actually being able to get ahead for once and build a rainy day fund, And for once not have to worry and panic about my financial situation has me bouncing off the wall in excitement.

In totally different news I finally found the time (and funds) to get my best friend who’s an awesome hair stylist to cut and colour my hair! This is something that I have been thinking about getting done for quite a while now and I was pretty nervous about it, But after getting it done I freaking love it! She did an amazing job with it I don’t know if I can go back to my plain old hair colour anytime soon now!

It’s amazing how something seemingly so simple as putting a bit of colour in my hair can boost my self-image and self-confidence. I haven’t felt this confident in myself in a long time and after months of feeling detestable and undesirable, it’s a pretty great feeling.

 

Mental Health Mondays

Mental Health Monday: Week 7

Well this week seems to have disappeared! But hey, Another week gone by means another MHM!

Hello  everyone and welcome to  Mental Health Monday! This is a weekly installment that I’m running in hopes that it catches on and becomes a series that others feel comfortable enough to participate in and bring more attention to dealing with mental health. If you’re curious and would like to participate head over to Mental Health Mondays guideline page.

I realized something quite sad about myself this week, No matter how well I’m doing or how good of a week I have I’m always going to find something about myself that I hate. Something that even though others won’t see or notice I will obsess and beat myself up over. I had to have a molar removed recently and most people will probably never know that, But still I use that as an excuse to beat myself up and degrade myself. My tooth is just the most recent example, I have always found something to use against myself, My weight, Not being strong enough, Forgetting something, It really doesn’t matter what it is but I realized that I will always find something, seek it out even.

I’ve known for a long time that this was something I did but this was the first time it’s ever struck me just how severe and well…bad it was. My self-esteem has always been really low and and I’ve always had self image images issues but this is the first time they’ve genuinely made me feel ill. Hopefully this is something that I can curb or make an effort to improve but it’s been a problem for me for so long I really don’t know where to even begin. So readers, do any of you struggle with similar issues? What helps you in these situations? Let me know either in comments, email or twitter!

 

Mental Health Mondays

Mental Health Monday: Week 6

You know the drill by now, It’s another Mental Health Monday!

Hello  everyone and welcome to  Mental Health Monday! This is a weekly installment that I’m running in hopes that it catches on and becomes a series that others feel comfortable enough to participate in and bring more attention to dealing with mental health. If you’re curious and would like to participate head over to Mental Health Mondays guideline page.

Finally I have something genuinely positive to write about this week! After many many months of being unemployed and desperately searching for employment, I finally landed a job! Prior to this point I’ve always just seen my job as just that, A job. It was always just something I did but didn’t enjoy simply because I had bills and ambitions that required money. This time around I finally found a job that I can say I enjoy going to, I like my coworkers and I enjoy the work and the products we make, I think I can finally understand what the term “job satisfaction” means now.

Additionally this job is not only enjoyable for me, It’s the best pay and benefits I have ever had at any job I’ve ever worked. I don’t think your average person who works without mental health issues can really fathom the hell that is being unemployed whilst trying to pay for rent, food and meds. In my case I mostly had to cut out two of those, For the past couple months I had to cut out two of my 3 daily medications because I couldn’t afford it, As well as cut my food budget down to unhealthy levels. Panic attacks from the constant financial stress and lack of meds just became a part of my life. My depression became worse without my meds and in general I just felt miserable all the time. Not a situation anyone should have to go through.

But finally after a really long time, Things are genuinely looking up. I’m finally on a track where I can not only get back to stability, I can actually improve my life rather than just scraping by, And that’s a pretty wonderful feeling.

 

Mental Health Mondays

Mental Health Monday: Week 5

A delayed Mental Health Monday is better than no MHM right?

Hello  everyone and welcome to  Mental Health Monday! This is a weekly installment that I’m running in hopes that it catches on and becomes a series that others feel comfortable enough to participate in and bring more attention to dealing with mental health. If you’re curious and would like to participate head over to Mental Health Mondays guideline page.

Sorry about the delayed post this week, I had a filling fall out of my tooth causing me extreme pain and discomfort and I’ve been rather hopped up on pain meds.

Honestly I’m a little unsure about what to write about this week, Other than the tooth pain I actually had a good week, The first genuinely good week I’ve had in a long while. I reestablished connections with someone who I haven’t had contact with in quite a while, I found an amazing new band to add to my ever growing collection of music and I manged to work up the effort to clean my computer desk.  It’s been a week of small battles and victories rather than all out war, And sometimes in the journey of dealing with your own mind that can be a really refreshing thing, Even though it wasn’t an entirely positive week and I still had my moments of weakness and self doubt they seemed relatively minor compared to the positives of the week. The issues didn’t go away or even particularly get better, It was still a battle the whole way through the week, But it felt like the weight I was carrying was ever so slightly lighter this week.

I’ve never been able to get into journaling. I just never found myself falling into the habit, Mostly because I just never found myself to have much to say on a daily basis, But this format of MHM has been really nice. Once a week allows for me to have some time to reflect and collaborate my own thoughts and actually give me enough to write rather than single line remarks like “Today sucked” which isn’t exactly helpful in the scope of things. So I ask you readers, Do you find journaling to be a benefit? Do you do it daily? Weekly? Monthly? or maybe you’ve never tried but i’m curious to hear some responses so let me know in the comments section!

 

Mental Health Mondays

Mental Health Monday: Week 4

Yet another week, And yet another Monday, But that means Mental Health Mondays!

Hello  everyone and welcome to  Mental Health Monday! This is a weekly installment that will hopefully catch on with other websites and bloggers, whether or not that happens is another story. You can read more over at Mental Health Mondays.

This week hasn’t been so much of a bad week for me as it has been a week for discovery. After having so many people recommend me to try out meditation as a way for me to deal with anxiety and depression I decided to give a try. I spent some time, studied various methods and then set aside the time the following day to try to meditate, After a short while meditating my mind ended up drifting to the places you don’t want it to go, The state of mind where seemingly everything feels like it weighs  200kg and you can’t bear the weight of your problems anymore. I decided to call it quits at the time and see if my state of mind changed the next day, It didn’t. I tried three days in a row and every single time I was left alone with my thoughts and had no distractions I ended up in a head space that I really didn’t want to be in. Maybe at some point I will be in a place where meditation will work for me, And maybe I’ll come to enjoy the act of meditating but currently it’s not worth the mental state it puts me in. Now I know that I’m not currently capable of using meditation for helping my mental state, It sucks that it didn’t work but it’s another thing crossed off the list, So  now I can try to find something that does work for me.

 

Mental Health Mondays

Mental Health Monday: Week 3

Welcome to the third week of Mental Health Mondays!

Hello  everyone and welcome to  Mental Health Monday! This is a weekly installment that will hopefully catch on with other websites and bloggers, whether or not that happens is another story. You can read more over at Mental Health Mondays.

Yet another really difficult week for me, But that’s why I started this series! To give me and others creative outlet for dealing with mental health issues.

I went to a concert this week, It’s a concert that me and my best friend have been looking forward to for months, Years if you count fandom of the band and hoping they do a world tour. They finally played where I live and they put on an amazing show, But it was really hard for me to enjoy the concert due to my anxiety and self-worth issues. Ever since I shut down emotionally after Perineum’s Praeterita: Part I I’ve had a really hard time being an expressive person, It’s not that I don’t feel emotions, quite the opposite in fact it’s just that I don’t express them on my face or with body language as easily as most people. My lack of externally showing emotions coupled with my inability to let go and have fun in public meant that instead of standing up with my best friend and banging my head with her and moving around to the music, I just sat there and watched.

A few times she looked back to me and gestured for me to get up with her and I was screaming at myself to just do it and have fun but I couldn’t, At that point I’d have given anything just to be able to let go of all the crap in my head telling me that I can’t do it and just have fun, But I couldn’t. Not only did I not enjoy myself as much as I should have, But I hampered my friends enjoyment of the show by not participating with her and making her worry about me and my health immediately afterwards. All of this because I can’t bring myself to let go, And not care about what I look like while having fun. Something that seems so simple is so far from being obtainable for me. I was originally going to type “I hate my brain sometimes” but I realized that it’s not my brain that I hate, Today it’s me as a person.

 

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